The Threat of Middle Earth
by freaky-psychoes
Summary: When Gandalf receives an important telegram, he nearly spoils EVERYTHING with his deafness and HUGE ego! "Theres a telegram for you Gandalf the (looks at Gandalf's pink robe) PINK!"


Hi, we have an important message to all you readers out there!:D Don't like, don't READ and don't flame.  
  
WARNING : Full of utterly stupid stupidity. Don't tell us that we didn't warn ya! Now on with the show...or was it a fic...show? Fic? MOVIE? FIC? EH?! This is also a PARODY , note the word "parody".  
  
DISCLAIMER : We don't own anything relating to LOTR! Even if we did, everything would be a disaster!  
  
PS : We also don't own related to brains, IQ etc etc etc...  
  
~THE TELEGRAM~  
  
Gandalf was sitting comfortably in his armchair, as he puffed his pipe. Its been years since he had seen the rest of the Fellowship. He missed the merry laughter when he was with them. And he also missed smoking his pipe so much that EVERYONE suffocated.Things had been peaceful lately.VERY peaceful. Strange. No noise could be heard from where he lived. I wonder why...  
  
Suddenly, a knock on the door could be heard. Gandalf put his hand behind his ear and shouted,'EH?!?'  
  
There was a pause of silence.  
  
Gandalf shrugged the thought off, and muttered to himself,'Must be a bird.'  
  
The knocking started again but this time, it was so loud that all the mirrors and china cracked and the mangy neighbours complained.  
  
'ROTTEN bird!'Gandalf muttered angrily to himself.  
  
Once again, after a slight pause, the knocking started again, but this time, even LOUDER!!! The ground shook under Gandalf's feet.  
  
'Must be a BIG bird!'said Gandalf, ignoring the earthquake.'An ostrich maybe!'  
  
The door fell off its hinges, revealing a very frustrated looking elf.'I have a message for you,GANDALF the (looks at Gandalf's pink robe) PINK?!'growled the elf, fiercely.  
  
'WASSAT?!'  
  
'I SAID,"I have a message for you, Gandalf"!'the elf repeated.  
  
'Oh,how kind of you! I know that I'm handsome already!'Gandalf replied, stroking his "magnificent" beard proudly.  
  
The elf yelled hysterically, pulling his hair out in frustration. 'I SAID "I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU, GANDALF" !!'  
  
'Eh? Wassat you said? Speak up! Stop whispering!'  
  
Angrily, the elf flung a note on Gandalf's lap and stormed out of Gandalf's house. Gandalf read the note :  
  
DEAREST GANDALF,  
  
HELP STOP A NEW THREAT HAS BEEN HAUNTING MIDDLE-EARTH STOP EVERY NIGHT SPIRITS COME BACK TO LIFE AND KILL THE PEOPLE OF MIDDLE-EARTH IN THEIR SLEEP STOP PLEASE HELP STOP REUNITE THE FELLOWSHIP TO DESTROY THIS NEW THREAT STOP HELP STOP HELP STOP HELP STOP  
  
FROM ELROND  
  
PS THIS IS A TELAGRAM STOP HELP STOP  
  
*God! Can't Elrond make up his mind?! "Help stop Help stop", Does he want me to help or not?!* thought Gandalf, picking up his book "How to read telegrams for dummies."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
'Ooh! Now I know!' said Gandalf. 'Silly wee lil' elves!' he added, picking up his staff, cloak and bag.  
  
Gandalf walked out of his house and thought to himself ; *Who to first? Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry or Pippin?* He pondered this thought for a long time (Eleven minutes to be specific). After a very logical way of solving the question (Playing "Eeney, Meeny, Mynee, Moe,"), Gandalf decided that he would visit Aragorn first.  
  
Then suddenly, another thought occured to him (Gandalf) ; How should he make his way to Gondor? He couldn't possibly walk! It was a simply crazy idea for a man his age (Gandalf glares at the authors) I mean, a man with his LOOKS to go out walking around Middle-Earth. What if Goblins attacked? Gandalf wouldn't even notice it!  
  
Gandalf took his time to solve this problem. But luckily for him, his good friends the eagles happened to be flying above in the sky making TERRIBLE noises like this, SQUAWK!!!POLLY WANTS A CRACKER!!! As they hunted for their prey.  
  
'Gandalf?Is that you I see down there?You look so tiny from up here!' one of the eagles asked (or rather squawked in their own language) from above.  
  
Sadly though, the eagle's question only came as a soft mutter to Gandalf's ears. 'EH?!' Gandalf shouted, putting his hand behind his ear. 'Wassat? Speak up, will you?!'  
  
'I said, " Is that you I see down there, Gandalf?",' the eagle repeated.  
  
'Stop whispering!'  
  
'I SAID,' the eagle squawked, saying each word slowly and clearly so that Gandalf could understand,'"Is that you I see down there, Gandalf?!"'  
  
'Thank you!'said Gandalf proudly. It was QUITE clear that he had misheard what the poor eagle was saying,'I do have a marvelous beard, don't I?'  
  
'I SAID...oh, forget it!'the eagle sighed in frustration.It lowered it's body to the ground, enabling the "handsome" wizard to climb onto it's feathery back. 'Come!I'll give give you a lift...it is clear to me that you need a lift anyway! Now, where to?'  
  
'EH?!' Gandalf shouted so loudly that it deafened the poor eagles.'I NEED A LIFT!!!'  
  
One of the other eagles glared sharply at Gandalf. He wasn't as patient as the rest of his companions. 'Quit shouting you dumb old bloke! We aren't deaf, you are!' he glowered impatiently at Gandalf. 'Besides, we already KNEW that you needed a lift!'  
  
'Why are you always murmuring!?SPEAK UP!!!'  
  
'I...' he began but stopped abruptly when the first eagle glared at him, as if daring him to say another word.  
  
'CAN YOU TAKE ME TO GONDOR?!' Gandalf shouted, making a slight earthquake under the eagles' feet. 'I HAVE TO MEET A FRIEND OF MINE! HE'S A KING, YOU KNOW?!'  
  
The eagles cringed. Gandalf was REALLY getting on their bad sides.  
  
Once the old (Gandalf glares at the authors), I mean, HANDSOME man was sitting comfortably on the eagle's back, the eagle spread it's magnificient wings and took off high into the sky.  
  
While on the journey towards Gondor, Gandalf chatted to the poor eagles who were nearly cracking up at the most utterly boring stories of his childhood that they were being told of. 'My great-great grandfather was one of the GREATEST collectors of all time!' Gandalf said proudly to the restless eagles.  
  
'Really?' asked one of the eagles,with slight interest since they had taken off. 'What did he collect?'  
  
'Lint.'  
  
An hour passed (Which seemed like eternity for the poor eagles!). They were close to Gondor.  
  
Gandalf began cheerfully,' I spy with my oh, so attrative, and dead handsome eyes, something white! What is it?'  
  
'A cloud?' the eagle replied, dully.  
  
'No. My beard.'  
  
There was a pause of silence. (One of which the eagles appreciated most dearly)  
  
Then Gandalf started again,'I spy with little eye, something handsome. What is it?'  
  
'Me?'  
  
'No,you conceited,self obsessed eagle!!! Me!!'  
  
After a few nerve-wrecking hours (for the poor eagles), they finally reached Gondor in one piece. Sadly though, when Gandalf got off the eagle's back, he accidently barfed on the eagle's wings.  
  
The eagle lifted up its head in disgust. 'Never have I, The Lord of The Eagles, been so humiliated in my entire life!!!', it said quite fiercely to Gandalf, 'I demand an apology!!!'  
  
Gandalf who perculiarly heard the eagle quite clearly. He replied indignantly, 'That ain't happening. I'll complain to my friend,The Lord of The Eagles,laddie!!!'  
  
'I AM the Lord of The Eagles!!!'  
  
Gandalf heard peered closely at The Lord, as though examining it. 'Hmmm', he thought. 'Last time I remember your head had more feathers on it no wonder they called you the Bald Eagle!!!' he chuckled at his own joke.  
  
The Lord of The Eagles screeched angrily, 'THAT'S IT!!!' he swooped down from the sky, ready to attack Gandalf. 'Come my faithful brothers! We shall be rid of this scum once and for all!!'  
  
Gandalf stood up at his full length, not afraid of the powerful eagles. Everything turned dark, only light was reflected upon Gandalf. (Like in the Fellowship of The Ring), 'BILBO BAGGINS!!!!' his voice boomed, more powerful than ever, 'I'M NOT HERE TO ROB YOU, I'M HERE...to help you...'  
  
Everyone stared at him, both shocked and confused. 'Ehh?'  
  
Gandalf blushed in embarrasement. 'Oh yeah, sorry. Wrong movie, wrong line..hehehe...' He cleared his throat and began again, 'Ahem...EAGLES, YOU SHALL SUFFER MY WRATH IF YOU DARE TO TOUCH ME!!!'  
  
The eagles came to a screeching halt. Minutes passed yet nobody dared to move. Gandalf grew bored of waiting for something to happen, so he announced, 'I'll kill you all anyway!' His staff glowed red, waiting to fire at frightened eagles. 'Ooooo...'  
  
Just went Gandalf was about to fire, a familiar voice shouted from behind, 'Gandalf?! How happy I am to see you here!' It was Aragorn's wife, Arwen.  
  
Gandalf turned around (The eagles escaped). His old (Gandalf glares at the authors),I mean,HANDSOME face brightened up. 'Aragorn! How mighty you stand!' He walked over to Arwen and gave her a mighty slap on the back, still thinking she was Aragorn.  
  
POW!!!  
  
Arwen cracked her knuckles. 'How on Middle-Earth can you compare me with a stinky man!? That's the last thing I want!' she screamed.  
  
'Ooooh...' Gandalf said stupidly, 'But you look so manly!'  
  
POW!!!  
  
Arwen cracked her knuckles again. 'If you want to see Aragorn, he's inside!', she shouted angrily at the old (Gandalf glares at the authors), I mean, err..handsome man..  
  
Gandalf thanked Arwen and made his way inside the Kingdom of Gondor.  
  
'Hello, old friend!' Aragorn greeted happily once Gandalf met him.  
  
'Oh, Arwen!' Gandalf replied, kissing Aragorn on the hand (He thought Aragorn was Arwen), 'You're beautiful looks dazzle me!'  
  
BANG!!!  
  
Gandalf got hit in the head by one of Aragorn's hard bricks. 'NEVER,' Aragorn started angrily, 'Call or relate me to a (shudders)..."girl"!'  
  
As the hours passed, Gandalf told Aragorn about the telegram he received. While chatting, a few of Aragorn's servants came and served them tea.  
  
'Mighty convenient these servents are!' Gandalf told Aragorn cheerfully while nibbling on a biscuits. 'Might convenient indeed!'  
  
Aragorn ignored this statement. He was still thinking about the mysterious telegram. But he wasn't thinking about what was written in the telegram, mind you he was much too stupid for that, instead he thought *I didn't know telegram were invented during this time* Hmm, stupid eh?  
  
'Gandalf?' Aragorn asked after a few minutes of silence, 'You found me easily right?'  
  
'Eh?' Gandalf asked, not hearing a word Aragorn said.  
  
'Well...how are we going to reunite the Fellowship quick enough. This new threat-thingy is killing the people of Middle Earth each night, if it takes two weeks to find each person, we'd lose a lot of lives by then, wouldn't we?'  
  
'Eh?'  
  
Aragorn sat thinking in silence for a moment, until Gandalf finally spoke, 'Is there any more biscuits?'  
  
Aragorn ignored this statement as well and walked over to the closest window. 'It's going to be a terrible journey out there,' he said to Gandalf, still looking out the window.  
  
'Eh?' Gandalf asked, he mouth stuffed with biscuits.  
  
Aragorn still stared out the window, as thought in a trance. 'Terrible, but memorable. Imagine it Gandalf...the fellowship coming together to save Middle Earth again...'  
  
'Eh?'  
  
Aragorn snapped out of his trance, he put on his hands on his hips and posed. 'To reunite the yellowchip!!!' he said dramatically.  
  
'Eh?'  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
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